Andy Murray Appoints Excuses Coach

BRITISH number one Andy Murray has completed his preparations for dropping out of Wimbledon with the appointment of a world-class excuses coach.

Murray has been reduced to random swearing and 'wrist problems'

American Paul Bratter has been brought in to strengthen Murray's range of cop-outs after a difficult few weeks in which he was forced, once again, to complain about his fitness and having a "sore wrist".

Bratter, who has worked with Sir Alex Ferguson and a series of England cricket captains, said: "I knew Andy needed my help when he started complaining about having a sore wrist.

"It's amateur hour. Show me a teenage boy who doesn't have a sore wrist and I'll show you a goddamn liar."

Murray is in desperate need of a new range of excuses after missing the French Open, dropping out of the top 10 and readying himself to be sidelined during Wimbeldon fortnight.

Bratter, who created Colin Montgomerie's classic 'American crowds' excuse, added: "We need to generate a new platform of excuses for Andy. We need him to fall in love and then be rejected on the eve of key tournaments.

"We need to sign him up to Amnesty International and other humanitarian organisations. This boy needs to be distracted by a social conscience that's as big as his bank balance.

"When he loses a third round match at Wimbledon next year I want him to be able to blame it on the Chinese government's oppression of Tibet. Now that's a goddamn excuse."