Australia to recall booze and strippers
AUSTRALIA is to recall booze, strippers and late night hotel carnage to its humiliated Ashes squad.
This man did not have an early night
Head coach Tim Nielsen has appealed to veteran skank-wrangler Shane Warne to instill match winnning levels of bleary-eyed drunkenness and marital infidelity in time for the third Test in Perth.
The move has been welcomed by ecstatic Perth off-license owners, while the team hotel will host a special live edition of Australia’s Next Top Scrubber.
The city’s town hall will also be converted into a vast 24-hour topless poker complex to help the players unwind after a hard day’s romping.
Cricketologist, Roy Hobbs, said: “Warne will share his visualisation techniques, such as telling the batsmen to imagine the ball is the chairman of the World Anti-Doping Agency, or adjusting the fast bowler’s run-up to the one used when approaching an all-you-can-eat buffet.
“He took 708 Test wickets and was probably sober enough to remember about three of them.
“Meanwhile Xavier Doherty considers sherry trifle to be a little racy and couldn’t hit a wicket with a wood-seeking missile. I blame Cliff Richard.”
Warne said: “As an Australian I can scarce believe that it has been the
best part of a year since one of our international cricketers was kicked
out of a casino at five o’clock in the morning dressed as an Alpine
milkmaid.
“I only hope I can bring back our former glories, although it’s
pretty short notice for everyone to grow enormous handlebar moustaches and gain four
stone.”
