Bid to keep rugby fans in New Zealand
THERE have been fresh calls to detain Britain’s diehard rugby fans in New Zealand for the rest of their lives.
Campaigners insist the move will free up UK pubs from thick-necked men drinking a pint of somebody else’s vomit while the sparsely populated country will give them plenty of room to swing their constantly exposed forearms.
Sportologist Dr Wayne Hayes said: “I once went to New Zealand by accident. They will have millions of pointless acres of grass to charge up and down while sniffing vigorously at each other’s scrotums.
“If we act quickly and quarantine the place we can turn it into a knuckle-scraping version of the Jurassic Park island, but instead of velociraptors it’ll be slow-witted, ruddy-faced men called ‘Ollie’.”
The World Cup has lured rugby people from 20 countries across the world with the promise of 14 penalties a minute and the chance to drink warm, flat beer from plastic cups.
Experts estimate it could be the biggest migration of insufferables since the Nazi invasion of Russia.
Hayes added: “Conservationists have complained that New Zealand’s pristine environment will be damaged by such high concentrations of hilarious flatulence, but then again it coped pretty well with five long years of Orlando Bloom’s ghastliness.”
Meanwhile, meteorologists predicted that if the wind is blowing in the right direction, people on the coast of Peru should be able to hear a jaunty song about a woman called ‘Vagina’.
The World Cup will continue until 23 October, or until everyone involved has died from an anus-related prank.