Britain!

18-08-08

EVERYONE who is not British must be filled to the brim with self-loathing, it was confirmed last night.

Feelings of sexual arousal are quite normal

Following the nation's vehicle-based medal haul, Britain has not only overtaken the USA as the most likely landing site for aliens, but is also now most likely to produce the everyday hero who will defeat those aliens and save the Earth from destruction.

Meanwhile prime minister Gordon Brown is expected to emerge briefly from his hiding place to talk about his role in the greatest weekend in the history of British yngling.

A spokesman said: "The last time he met the ynglers he told them to wear lifejackets in case they fell out their yngle. All his hard work has paid off."

And millions of television viewers are this morning expected to talk about their role in transforming Britain into a nation of god-like supermen.

Tom Logan, a sales manager who watched the victories at his home in Peterborough, said: "All my hard work has paid off.

"This is what keeps you focused when you're watching the East Yorkshire cycling championships on Eurosport, or the regional qualifiers on the Yngling Channel."

He added: "I can now hold my head high and say that I was born within a few hundred miles of many of these people."

Team GB is expected to receive a rapturous welcome when they arrive home next week, except for Paula Radcliffe, who was rubbish.

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