Compensation offer to bankrupt English football

ARSENAL fans being given their money back for a dreadful away performance could set a legal precedent that will instantly kill 98 percent of English football.

How much for a visit to Walsall?

Supporters across the country have written to their clubs asking when the cheque will be arriving for the inconvenience of the last 25 years.

Leyton Orient fan Roy Hobbs said: “Earlier this month I had to go to a place called Walsall, which I presume doubled as the outdoor set for Mordor.

“I then had to watch us lose 1-0 to what appeared to be eleven pigs rolled on a barber shop floor and kicked through a branch of JD Sports. Where’s my money?

“Fifty quid should cover the cost of my ticket, train fare and miniature model of Ayers Rock masquerading as a steak and kidney pie. Then there’s the thirty grand I’ll need for the mental horror of being in the midlands.”

There are also fears that the compensation offer may also need to be extended to Sky Sports viewers who were subjected to a Gary Neville so smug that many thought he was being fellated under the table by Roy Keane.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “What seems like a noble gesture by the Arsenal board will soon become a regular transaction if they adhere to their policy of selling any player who still has all his own feet.

“However, as a Leeds United fan, while I may be in line for a windfall it won’t make up for 30 years of nightmares that look like a Hieronymous Bosch painting full of whippets.”