CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling has agreed to cover all bets at this afternoon's EBF Maiden Stakes and is tipping the Irish two year-old, General Ting.

"It's only money," insists the Chancellor of the Exchequer

Mr Darling said: "Maiden stakes are always so fascinating. The runners are out there for the first time and, who knows, one of these young horses may be a legend-in-waiting.

"What's more the jockey's title is going right down to the wire. Terrific stuff."

Personal finance expert Bill McKay said: "Previously the Fucknut scheme covered only the first £32,000 you decided to give to salaried loan sharks.

"Now the government will refund every penny you spend, even if you invest your life savings in the return of Betamax video recorders."

Mr Darling added: "If you see a brand new Ferrari advertised on eBay for a Buy-it-Now price of £3000, my advice is 'go for it'.

"When you turn up to collect it and discover you've been shafted, worry not - I'll send you a cheque."

Tom Logan, markets analyst with ABF McMartin and Dillcott, said: "Northern Rock investors tend to be respectable types who vote, unlike the horrid poor people who are left high and dry when their Christmas Club goes down the shitter."

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