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ENGLAND TO UNINVENT CRICKET |
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16-11-09 |
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ENGLISH cricket's governing body last night unveiled radical plans to uninvent the game.
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Such was the gulf in ability that confused spectators in Pretoria were forced to check their tickets, while the hosts were able to field fictional players with spoof names such as Chesty Ringsplit and Loots Bosman.
An ECB spokesman said: "Even a cursory glance at the rules will reveal that cricket was never meant to be played by people who are very, very good at it.
"Therefore, as an interim measure, we are requesting that all bails, stumps, balls and bats are returned to Lord's by the end of the week."
The ECB said cricket will cease to exist from 21 November for at least five years so that everyone has a chance to forget how to hit, catch and throw the ball until they reach the same standard as Luke Wright.
The ban will only be lifted if all foreigners agree to play left-handed while left-handed foreigners will be forced to compete on a pogo-stick after swallowing a fistful of codeine.
Meanwhile England football coach Fabio Capello wants to adopt a similar handicapping system for Brazil, but added: "In order to have a level playing field we'd have to reach into the Brazilian's DNA and start hacking away with a microscopic set of gardens shears.
"And stop picking Wes Brown as well, obviously."
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