FA Cup sees battle of the giant also-rans

THE FA Cup third round will see an epic battle between players you have never heard of against players who were okay five years ago.

Will probably replace David de Gea with a cow

Manchester City’s £2bn worth of odds and ends will face eleven of the mistakes Alex Ferguson never makes at the Etihad stadium, with the winners playing a bunch of third-division no-hopers in a ghastly mauling.

Ferguson said: “A draw like this is exactly what the magic of the cup was all about until we finger-fucked it 12 years ago by not bothering to turn up.

“Our 20%-strength side will give 110% for 80% of the game until one of us is getting shellacked, by which point everyone involved will give 1% of a fuck.”

Roberto Mancini has also pledged to field a similarly-depleted side, promising that the only thing not half-arsed about the match will be the ticket pricing.

Mancini said: “These are the games that really fire up the imagination of the burger vendors and programme sellers and it promises to be an occasion for our financial director to tell his grandchildren about.”

Other ties in the third round will be remunerative fairytales, with Cheltenham facing a magical restructuring of their business loan in an away match to Spurs while Everton’s under-18s will give Tamworth a boost to their medium-term liquidity.

Ferguson added: “As a kid, the FA Cup is the competition players dream about not playing in until the semis because they’re actually good at football.”