Fabregas to stage one-man slut-walk

ARSENAL’S Cesc Fabregas is to stage a solo ‘slut-walk’ after Barcelona boss Pep Guardiola accused him of wanton teasery.

As the two men leer at each other from across a crowded European
mainland for the third year in a row, Gunners boss Arsene Wenger was
warned that his captain’s mouth might be saying no but his eyes totally
say yes.

Guardiola said: “He was saying how much he liked my
midfield and was asking to have a go at my free-flowing 4-3-3 system but
as soon as I made a move he went running back to Arsene saying I was
hitting on him.

“He parades around the place practising one-touch
football, showing intelligent off-the-ball movement and being all
Catalan but acts offended if you offer him a bit of Camp Nou.

“Look at those thighs and tell me he’s not gagging for a five-year contract.”

But Fabregas has insisted he is simply a modern footballer who should be
able to enjoy his freedom without being branded a dirty slut.

He will
walk through north London on Satrurday wearing silky shorts and bright red football boots while carrying a placard saying, ‘It’s my hot body
and I do what I want’.

Meanwhile Wenger said Fabregas retains little of the enthusiasm and experimentation he used to show between the goalposts.

The Arsenal manager said: “He’d be up for anything – mazy dribbles, defence-splitting passes, even a bit of ‘helping out at the back’ when he was really in the mood.

“But toward the end of the season he just completed perfunctory five-yard passes with a look in his eyes like he’d rather be somewhere else.”

However, Guardiola insisted: “I’m no team-wrecker and I’m not trying to get between Cesc and his club but yes, given half the chance I’d love to coach the arse off him.”

 

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Bob Crow successfully infiltrates bourgeoisie

CUNNING socialist Bob Crow has successfully completed a daring reconnaisance mission at an exclusive capitalist restaurant.

The anti-establishment operative cleverly duped staff and diners at Scott’s in Mayfair into believing he was simply enjoying a decadent champagne-drenched lunch with friends.

But, it has emerged, he was undertaking a revolutionary mission codenamed Operation Biteback, for which he had been briefed to observe the eating, drinking and conversational habits of the ruling elite as a first step towards the longer-term goal of overthrowing them.

A spokesman for Crow said: “Showing characteristic disregard for his own personal safety, brother Bob entered the viper’s nest at 12.45pm yesterday, knowing full well that if he slipped on a point of etiquette he would be caught and tortured.

“Despite being entirely unaccustomed to the ways of a so-called ‘restaurant’ or indeed the bourgeois concept of food as something other than a utilitarian means of sustaining physical strength, Bob negotiated the menu, successfully ordering bottles of a revolting drink called ‘Morgassi Superiore 2009 Piedmont’ which apparently tastes of workers’ tears.

“Naturally there were various tricks and traps in place to lure the working class spy, for example a dish called ‘sorbett’ which is in fact pronounced ‘sor-bay’.

“Apparently this foodstuff had a delicate yet repugnant wild strawberry flavour, redolent of the type of perfect English summer’s day which in this unjust society only stripey-blazered fops have the freedom to enjoy.”

He added: “After several hours of expert pretence brother Bob left the restaurant and quickly vomited the corrupt culinary delights into a plain builders-type bucket.

“His stomach was dreadfully upset for days before he returned to his normal diet of recycled rain water and thin soup flavoured with coal.”