Flintoff To Miss Ashes Hiding

INJURY-hit Andrew Flintoff has confirmed he is unlikely to recover in time for an absolute humping by Australia this summer.

The England all-rounder said he was 'gutted' at the thought of missing six whole weeks of flailing wildly at nothing while his stumps explode behind him.

"It's such a shame but I've got a really sore leg. No honestly, really sore. Ow, OW. There it goes again. It's the left one. Yep, definitely the left one. Why, what did I say the last time?"

Former fast bowler Darren Gough said the focus will now shift to the next most likely England player to be utterly humiliated.

He added: "Injuries like these can keep you out for months, or until Bangladesh turn up, whichever comes first. I suffered a similar setback in 2002, when I ruptured my arm bone something rotten and another lad had to have his chucked pies twatted out of the ground."

Flintoff's history of injuries dates back to 1999 when he dislocated a finger during a barstool-related incident. ECB official Denys Finch-Hatton said: "Nobody can combine massive disappointment with drunken buffonery with quite the same flair."

The 2005 Ashes hero is currently sipping daiquiris on a sun lounger in South Africa where the IPL is paying him enough cash to suffocate a hippo. He recently signed for the Chennai Super Kings as they are named after his favourite brand of cigarettes.

A friend said: "If there'd been a team called the Delhi Meat Pies or the Mumbai Eight Pints of Bitter, he'd have faced an almost impossible decision."

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Don't Panic But You Are Going To Die

PEOPLE across the world have been urged not to panic as experts warned that most of you would be dead by the end of this sentence.

As pork flu swept across the globe governments sought to calm fears by ordering 400 million coffins, while media organisations offered a reward to any scientist prepared to use the word 'holocaust'.

In the UK, experts stressed there was no risk from pork products before urging Britain's army of morons to round-up all the sausages they could find and throw them into the sea.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "There's nothing to worry about but this is definitely worse than four simultaneous nuclear wars and a dinosaur invasion."

Governments have called on media organisations to work together in the face of what one official described as 'a nice, big, fat panic'.

Professor Brubaker added: "The world is paying the inevitable price for years of unprotected pig sex.

"It's no surprise this started in a devoutly Catholic country where everyone follows the Pope's instructions to the letter, especially the pig molesters.

"Pig sex, chicken sex, monkey sex – eventually they all come back and bite us on the arse. But not goat sex, that still seems to be fine."

Meanwhile the editor of Daily Mail was last night under observation in a central London hospital after suffering what witnesses say was a 'cataclysmic ejaculation'.

A source said: "He got more and more engorged as the details came in and then, when we got the Brubaker quotes, he went all cross-eyed, fell backwards off his chair and his trousers exploded. There was spunk everywhere."

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