Hang on, this looks dangerous, says boxing federation
THE International Boxing Federation has suspended all future bouts after realising it is just two people knocking shit out of each other.
Amid concerns about all the blood, the sport’s governing body has now asked scientists to check whether it is all as painful as it looks.
An IBF spokesman said: “I’d sort of half-watched the ‘matches’ – is that right? – for years but I sat down and had a proper look the other day and it was so horrid it put me off my scone.
“I’d always assumed the whole thing was rigged, like wrestling or cricket. But there was actual, real blood flying all over the place and I thought to myself, ‘you know what? If this carries on somebody could get chafed’.
“And I now realise that whenever I’ve spoken to a boxer over the years he wasn’t just being really, really thoughtful about what he wanted to say.”
The IBF said there was no guarantee that competitors will not try to hit each other deliberately and officials now want to make the sport completely safe by replacing the traditional procedure of very hard punching with a robust argument about Star Wars.
The spokesman added: “Maybe they could just see who’s got the biggest biceps or who can do the most squat thrusts? Or perhaps each trainer could give a powerpoint presentation about how hard their chap has been working in the gym?
“If it still has to be all about punching, we’re going to get a load of those machines you see in arcades where you hit the bag and all the numbers come up and it makes a loud noise.
“It’s got to be better than someone looking like they just smart-mouthed an Alabama sheriff.”