the dailymash

In the candlelit attics of Galway, Limerick and Waterford angry poets threw back a glass of whiskey and poured out line after line of tragic verse which critics say could set new standards in ghastly, maudlin self-indulgence.

Wayne Hayes, of the Institute for Studies, said: "When England were the victims of a blatant handball the nation used it as an excuse to crank up its aggressive xenophobia while insisting they would definitely have gone on to win the World Cup that year even though they have not had a team remotely good enough to do that since 1966 and even then it was debatable.

"Whereas for the Irish a trauma such as this forms a perfect addition to their unremitting sense of victimhood. It will be immortalised in unbearable poems, songs and novels. They will get drunk and cry about it. St Patrick's Day parades will include a minute's silence for the 'Brave Fenians of the Handball'. It will be nauseating."

Seamus O'Finnan, professor of poetry and fighting at the University of Skibbereen, revealed his early efforts:

I write it out in a verse -
Sagna and Gallas
And Gignac and Anelka
Now and in time to be,
Wherever green is worn,
All shamed, shamed utterly,
And isn't that Thierry Henry a right bastard?

Meanwhile Brendan O'Muckerty, Ryanair's poet-in-residence, wrote:

Why? asked little Patrick, his eyes a-glistening,
Why do men cheat and lie, daddy?
Where was Jesus? Was he not listening?
Oh why did he leave us to die, daddy?

It is cruel to come so near, daddy,
Will my heart always hurt so much?
And who will I support next year, daddy?
I really quite fancy the Dutch.