the dailymash

Roy Hobbs, 37, has been charged with indecent procurement of football after being caught by an undercover policeman who saw his classified advert in the Burslem Courier.

The advert said: "Desperate to see the Vale at Grimsby. Will pull you off 'til your eyes pop out. Preferably Main Stand but not essential."

Mr Hobbs said: "I've always exchanged sexual acts for Port Vale tickets, especially to away games north of Mansfield.

"I can't afford the bus fare and a ticket for the match, so I either hitch-hike or dust off my wanking mittens."

He added: "It really depends on the importance of the game. An early season league tie is a value for money hand-shandy, but if it's a third or fourth round cup tie I'll dress up as Boomer, the club mascot, complete with giant lacy bra and panties.

"And if we're playing Stoke City I usually offer something called a 'Potteries Derby' which involves a Port Vale top, a Stoke scarf and 26 foot of Cumberland sausage."

But he insisted: "This is just society looking for a scapegoat. You're all hypocrites. And, by the way, that policeman still owes me a ticket."

An FA spokesman described Mr Hobbs' arrest as 'an all too familiar tale', adding: "It's yet another symptom of the recession. If you look around the ground at a League Two match these days, at least 70% of the people there have masturbated a stranger."