Middle-aged executive announced as 100m Olympic champion

PAUNCHY company director and Olympic sponsor Stephen Malley is the world’s fastest sprinter, it has emerged.

He's just a blur of acceleration

The news of Malley’s advance Olympic victory follows the revelation that anyone with a few million to throw into the 2012 kitty could have a go on the torch.

46-year-old Malley, who is chief executive of IT giant Hobbscom, said: “Although I have asthma and a slight draggy leg, I am surprisingly swift on my feet.

“Also handing over an eight-figure sponsorship fee has lightened my pockets considerably, making me more streamlined.”

Malley will also be named winner of the Women’s Triple Jump when the games take place this summer.

It has also been announced that firms including Adidas, Cola-Cola and Samsung are to sponsor Britain’s waning enthusiasm for the games.

The companies have collectively donated a giant heap of tenners which will be handed out to Britons in exchange for repeating phrases like ‘Team GB is the best team’, ‘I like sport’ and ‘Running is fun’.

A London 2012 spokesman said: “Nothing motivates the people of Britain like cold, hard cash. However they will have to sign a form promising they’ll spend it on trainers, not beer.”