Newcastle Fans Call For The Reanimation Of Jackie Milburn

15-09-08

NEWCASTLE United fans last night warned the club's potential buyers they must invest heavily in the reanimation of 1950s hero Jackie Milburn.

If corpse reanimation fails the fans want this photograph brought magically to life

Milburn spearheaded the club's triple FA cup success in 1951, '52, and '55, but his form dipped dramatically following his death in 1988.

Bill McKay, vice-chairman of the Toon Army supporters club, said: "It can't just be the reanimation of a badly decomposed 64 year-old, he needs to be brought back to life at his 1951 cup-winning best.

"By my calculations they'll need a vast laboratory filled with nuclear reactors and about 100,000 of the world's leading bio-geneticists if 'wor Jackie' is going to be fit for second half of the season.

"We're talking at least £6.5 billion, but if they're not willing to spend that kind of money on something as straightforward as corpse reanimation then they shouldn't be allowed to own a football club."

McKay is also demanding the forced return of Alan Shearer, Paul Gascoigne, Malcolm Macdonald and Peter Beardsley all of whom will undergo a rejuvenation process involving a funnel, 28 pints of olive oil and a series of potentially fatal electric shocks.

Meanwhile manager Kevin Keegan has promised to return to the club, but only if Milburn's reanimated corpse does not turn into an evil, black-eyed zombie intent on eating the brains of the senior coaching staff.

He is also demanding an £8 billion time machine so that he can assess the form of the entire 1955 squad and then have any player he likes reanimated at will.

Keegan added: "Newcastle United is a big club on a par with Man United, Chelsea and Arsenal, the only difference being they haven't won anything even remotely important for 53 years."

Weekend scores:
Chelsea 3 New Chelsea 1
Pepsi 2 Coke 3
Plucky Northerners 1 Arab's Plaything 8
 

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