NEWCASTLE SIGN KEEGAN FOR 'BONUS NIGHT'

NEWCASTLE United was last night trying desperately to justify itself after signing up for a 'bonus night' of no-strings fun with unstable ex-boyfriend Kevin Keegan.

'What in the name of GOD was I thinking,' said an embarrassed Newcastle

The club split acrimoniously from Keegan a decade ago, blaming a combination of his emotional instability and total insanity for the demise of their five-year romance.

However, after a chance encounter in a Newcastle nightclub last week, the two had a few drinks together and eventually ended up in bed.

Newcastle said: "You just remember the good times - the wild sex, the spanking, and that thing he used to like me to do with a banana.

"You forget all the tantrums and the crying and him making such a dick of himself on Sky Sports that time. 'I will love it if we beat them' - I was absolutely mortified.

"I also forgot all those idiotic things he used to say on Match of the Day. Since when has cramp been worse than a broken leg?"

Meanwhile, new England boss Fabio Capello has insisted he declared all bribes, bungs and backhanders to the relevant authorities while manager of Juventus

He added: "Who you think I are, the Georgio Graham of the Arse? I no take bung in dirty bag in car park.

"No, when I gets big cheque from agent for signing I put straight in my accounts with taxes. Is normal, no?"