Sport Headlines

Andy Murray Appoints Excuses Coach

BRITISH number one Andy Murray has completed his preparations for dropping out of Wimbledon with the appointment of a world-class excuses coach.

Olympic Band 'Unlikely To Learn Scottish National Anthem'

THE musical director for the 2012 London Olympics has admitted that the ceremonial brass band 'probably won't bother' to learn Scotland's national anthem.

Romanov Turns A-Listed Treasure Into Garden Centre

HEARTS chairman Vladimir Romanov is to transform the old Royal Bank of Scotland headquarters in Edinburgh into the city's first A-listed discount garden centre.

Glasgow Launches Bid For 'Swearing Olympics'

GLASGOW city leaders today unveiled a £40 million package of incentives in their bid to host the 2014 Commonmouth Games – the Olympics of world swearing.

Poland And Ukraine Win Plumbing And Joinery Contracts For Euro 2012

IN a surprise announcement Uefa has awarded the lucrative plumbing and joinery contracts for the Euro 2012 football championships to Poland and Ukraine.

'I Thought I'd Bought A Chain Of Garden Centres' - Romanov

HEART of Midlothian chairman Vladimir Romanov has admitted that he bought the club after a "catastrophic mistranslation" during a meeting in Edinburgh two years ago.

Jesus 'Put Me Off' At 14th Green, Says Woods

WORLD number one Tiger Woods has accused Jesus of deliberately interrupting his game during the final round of the US Masters.

Nigerian Hell-Hole Safer Than Parkhead, Say Commonwealth Games Organisers

THE Commonwealth Games committee has given an early boost the Nigerian city of Abuja in its contest with Glasgow to host the 2012 event.