Phelps Takes Enormous Dump
GOLD medal swimming sensation Michael Phelps last night celebrated his Olympic success with a monumental visit to the lavatory.
Phelps revealed his 12,000 calorie a day diet had not only fueled his victories, but helped him produce enough faeces to fill a bath.
He said: “All I do is eat, sleep and swim. And shit. I shit a tremendous amount, actually.
“And they’re all huge. It’s like having a baby three times a day.”
He added: “I did ask my coach whether there would be any side effects to eating 24 fried egg sandwiches, a dozen chocolate pancakes, eight pizzas, a vat of spaghetti and half a pig every day.
“And he said yes, l’d be able to manure half of Kansas with my ass.”
But the swimmer’s bowel movements did cause tensions within the US camp, with some complaining his gigantic expulsions were interrupting their concentration.
One US athlete said: “The first time I heard it I was like, ‘Holy shit! What the fuck was that?’
“It sounded like a cow being dropped into a lake.”