Proper Olympics finally start

SEVEN days after the opening ceremony, the Olympics will finally begin.

After a full week of pseudo-sports including dressing gown wrestling, falling into a swimming pool and three-a-side rugby, viewers can now focus on the events they will actually remember.

Stephen Malley, from Peterborough, said: “There I was, at one in the morning, in my underpants, watching a man in a boat on the television. What the hell is that about?’.

“People running, throwing, jumping. That’s something we can relate to. Not bending themselves around a bar, or lunging at an invisible shuttlecock.”

Meanwhile, it has been confirmed the long jump heats will be delayed after the sand in the pit turned green.