Rooney like Pele, but with prostitutes, says Ferguson
WAYNE Rooney is a white, prostitute-loving version of Pele, Sir Alex Ferguson has claimed.
The Manchester United manager said his star striker had the pace, energy and aggression of the Brazilian legend, especially when he was pumping skanks in a four-star hotel near the M6.
Ferguson added: “When Pele tried that outrageous shot from the halfway line I’m reminded of how Wayne likes to stand on a chair in the corner of the hotel room and then try and land on a prostitute that’s at least six feet away.
“And the daring and imagination of Pele dummying the Uruguayan keeper in the ’70 World Cup is like Wayne when he puts on his brilliant Geordie accent and books an executive suite under the name of ‘Roon Wayney’.”
Experts are now poring over old videos of the great Brazilian just to double check whether or not Sir Alex is finally slipping into stage one dementia or whether he has been taking the wrong pills again.
Footballologist Julian Cook said: “The easiest way to work out if Wayne Rooney is as good as Pele is to watch footage of both of them and then not be completely idiotic.”
Ferguson added: “Also, I love that bit in Escape to Victory where Michael Caine is showing the tactics on a blackboard and Pele takes the chalk and says ‘I do this, this, this, this – goal’. It makes me think of Wayne, wandering into the bar of a Ramada Inn, eyeing-up the orange-skinned trollops and saying ‘I do that one, that one, that one, that one – three hundred quid’.
“And just as Pele is a man of grace and intelligence and a wonderful ambassador for both football and his country, Wayne spent ninety grand on a Range Rover and likes to blow his muck up tarts.”