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RUSTENBERG SPONTANEOUSLY BURSTS INTO FLAMES |
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07-12-09 |
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THE SOUTH African city of Rustenberg has destroyed itself just seconds after it was announced as being England’s base during next year's World Cup.
 That's better
Property prices plummeted and every third shop is now an off-licence selling inedible fried chicken and fake designer clothes with one resident describing the phenomenon as a 'tsunami of polyester and illegible tattoos'.
City mayor Dirk DeVeldt said: "I can only describe the event as psycho-geographical suicide, although some cynics are suggesting that locals are collecting the insurance and clearing off before half the population of Essex turn up."
The city is now 800 square miles of charred buildings and wailing car alarms, which the FA has described as 'ideal conditions for our Northern fans'.
Rustenberg had a population of 400,000 last week, but this has now dropped to less than 30,000 as the inhabitants hide in caves of the nearby Magaliesberg mountains with enough dried food and shotguns to last until the middle of next July.
Rustenberg businessman Julian Cook said: "We just don’t have the facilities to cope with thousands of England fans rioting after they're humped 4-0 by Algeria.
"England don't have many black fans and our police have no experience of baton-charging white men. We could ask them to black up but for some reason people find that offensive."
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