Scotland asked to be less predictable

SPORTS fans have asked Scotland that if they cannot be good can they at least be unusual.

The mouth says 'beer', but the eyes say 'whisky'

After a rugby world cup defeat to Argentina that was predicted in cave paintings from around 12,000 BCE, many are now wondering whether Scotland could at least try to be dangerously bad at beach volleyball or ping-pong.

Scottish sportologist, Bill McKay, said: “While Eskimos may have 50 words for snow, Scots have more than 800 words for abject humiliation.

“There’s ‘goalkeepered’, ‘Gazzafied’, ‘Perued’, ‘utterly-Brazilianed’, ‘last-minuted’ and now ‘Argentinised’.”

He added: “There comes a point at which it would be easier if the headline was a just a special symbol, like the Batman logo, but for total failure.

“The rest of the article would be just a big photo of somebody pale, looking crestfallen.”

Sport Scotland has now pledged to use its £4 annual budget to look at new activities for Scotland’s 37 and a half athletes in the hope that, by some genetic freak, one of them turns out to be good at something.

The Scottish football team has already been given a surfboard and are currently trying to turn it into a bar.

Meanwhile Scotland’s top cricketers were asked to leave the Commonwealth Pool in Edinburgh after using it to deep fry a giraffe they had stolen from the local zoo.