Sport minister unveils hierarchy of heroism

THE government has produced an official chart ranking sportspeople according to their level of heroism, to help fans perplexed by this year’s Euros, Olympics and Paralympics.

Hero rating: 8.9

The move follows confusion among viewers who have spent three weeks believing Mo Farah was the greatest hero of the 21st century, only to be confronted by the amazingly inspirational qualities of Paralympian athletes.

Minister for Sport Hugh Robinson said: “Our new easy-to-read chart will show everyone exactly which role models to be most disappointed by when they’re caught snorting cocaine by a Sunday newspaper.

“Obviously top of the league are Paralympians, who are more heroic than a thousand Winston Churchills and make Jessica Ennis and her ilk look like endorsement-hungry glory whores.

“Whether they’re competing, buying washing up liquid from Londis or simply eating their tea, everything the Paralympians do is an incredible triumph of the will.

“Next are the Olympians, who taught us all what true heroism was this summer – and apparently it’s excelling at an obscure physical discipline while not being paid much.

“Below that we have people in sports like rugby, tennis or golf, who it’s true sometimes do earn a bit but can occasionally inspire us with their selfless dedication provided their events take place in Britain and are shown on the telly.

“And finally, bottom of the list are the collected rapists, racists, and tweeters of Premier League football, who are most frequently seen outside burning homes throwing fistfuls of £20s onto the flames and laughing at the screams of those trapped inside.”

England players will be granted biannual hate amnesties for World Cups and European Championships, following which they will resume their positions as the worst people ever to have lived.

When asked where soldiers serving in Afghanistan ranked on the chart, the minister pointed vaguely near the top, coughed, excused himself and fired a special advisor.