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STRAUSS 'RELAXED, FOCUSED AND READY FOR ANNIHILATION' |
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01-11-09 |
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ENGLAND cricket captain Andrew Strauss arrived in South Africa yesterday insisting he was 'absolutely raring' to have his arse handed to him on a plate.
 Strauss has even brought his own arse-plate
He added: "We're refreshed, we're ready and, personally speaking, I even expect to lose the toss in a way that makes me look shockingly inept and completely out of my depth."
Meanwhile the ECB confirmed that the England squad was the first international touring side to include its own grief counsellor.
But despite Strauss's mental capitulation, human rights campaigners have urged South Africa not to use the tour as an excuse to return to the the 'bad old days' of gratuitous ethnic-based cruelty.
A spokesman for Amnesty International said: "We thought we'd seen the last of heavy-set Boers in matching uniforms physically abusing others for their own thuggish amusement.
"But it does look like this England tour is going to be the cricketing equivalent of an unprovoked baton charge."
Strauss admitted: "We are probably going to emerge from this tour looking like a we've just fallen down some stairs at a police station.
"Hopefully The Special AKA will write a song about us."
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