Stuart Pearce spends evening ruling himself out of things

STUART Pearce spent most of last night turning down the chance to do stuff nobody asked him to.

Pearce said he was flattered but will not be restructuring the Eurozone

After a hugely successful stint as England under-21 manager preparing the younger players for the experience of winning nothing, Pearce wants to devote more time to saying he is not prepared to throw his unwanted hat into an entirely imaginary ring.

He said: “While I’m sure everybody would want to marry Scarlett Johansson on the moon or fly a fighter jet made out of diamonds, I don’t think it’s my time just yet.

“My commitments moulding the underperforming England egotists of tomorrow keep me very busy right now, so while the offer to replace Matt Bellamy in Muse is very tempting, especially as I can knock out a fantastic version of ‘If The Kids Are United’, I’m going to have to pass.”

The FA is having Pearce looked at amid fears he may have sustained head injuries while pogoing to a Skids compilation album in the Wembley dressing room.

Medics stayed with him throughout the evening, listening to him politely refuse offers to become Alan Sugar’s right-hand man, taking over as Venezuela’s minister for education and being one of the 11 secret herbs and spices in Kentucky Fried Chicken.

An FA spokesman said: “He’s done this before as, strictly speaking, we didn’t actually offer him the job as under 21 manager. He just turned up one day in a tracksuit and started putting cones out.

“He’s sat at his desk right now, his little eyes screwed up in concentration, writing thank you letters to people who’ve never contacted him. It’s both heartwarming and incredibly frightening.”