Tevez refuses to enter disciplinary hearing

CARLOS Tevez has foiled Manchester City’s plans to discipline him by refusing to enter the room.

Tevez said he was happy to come back and sit here again next week

The Tolkien-inspired strikebeast told club officials he had no intention of going in before returning to his chair in the reception area.

He then waited until the end of the 90 minutes that had been allotted for the hearing and went home.

Permanently crestfallen manager, Roberto Mancini, said: “I’ve tried to talk to him face to face but when I went to his house he pretended to be the cleaner.

“When I peered through the letterbox I could see he’d even dressed up as a maid and was pottering around with a duster and speaking in a soft, high-pitched voice.

“I haven’t eaten since and I dare not sleep.”

The Football Association is now struggling to decide how to punish a player that refuses to acknowledge it even exists and has called on sport philosophers for help in breaking through the Argentinean’s Möbius strip of disregard.

Meanwhile Tevez’s revolutionary tactics are starting to affect other players in the squad, with Sergio Aguero announcing he can no longer be offside as he does not acknowledge the existence of linesmen, while keeper Joe Hart said that because, on a quantum level, the ball can exist both inside and outside the net simultaneously, he is not going to bother trying to save it anymore.

Mancini said: “I’m basically trying to corral a bunch of millionaire second-year philosophy student smart-arses.

“I wonder what would happen if I took one of them to a forest and no-one was around to hear it.”