the dailymash

Following frenzied speculation surrounding his 2am car crash, the world's greatest golfer finally released a statement admitting he was no longer tedious.

Woods said: "I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart, but my Christ, you should have seen them.

"When transgressions like that bounce playfully across your eyeline it takes super-human strength not to follow them to the bar and say 'Hello, I am Tiger Woods'.

"Those are the five most powerful words in the English language if crazy hotel sex is at the top of your to-do list and unfortunately I have not been true to my values by using them again and again and again. And again."

Meanwhile gap-toothed television viewers across America's Deep South have expressed relief that Woods has finally started acting like a proper black man.

Alabama grits farmer Roy Hobbs said: "I was gittin' real confused and fearful for a times back there. What with his impeccable manners and white man's speakin' voice, I was thinkin' maybes ma TV was on the fritz.

"But then he done wrecks his pimped-up Cadillac, cheats on his little white babymomma and runs away from the po-lice.

"That sumbitch is black and all is right with my world again. Praise Jesus."