Walcott’s Enemies Strike Gold

THE enemies of Theo Walcott struck gold last night as the England hero fired in a hat-trick against Croatia.

Walcott has ruined so many lives

Dozens of people with incredibly thin reasons to complain about the young striker are already lining up for a bumper pay day.

Wayne Hayes, an electrician from Wimbledon, was last night paid £20,000 to say this: "The bastard cut me up at the lights about three years ago. He looked evil. I thought I was going to die."

Pensioner Bill McKay, from Newbury, said: "I used to live about seven miles away from him. He would just drive past you without saying hello. I didn't know him, but it just shows how stuck up he is."

Dozens of women who claim to have had any form of physical contact with Walcott are already negotiating large cheques payable to 'cash'.

Mandy Parker, from Deptford, said: "Theo and I enjoyed one amazing night at the Basingstoke Travelodge. He definitely scored a hat-trick in my vagina."

Emma Baxter, from Dulwich, said: "I brushed past him in John Lewis about six years ago. This is his baby."

Across London, newspaper columnists were ordered to re-write their articles to describe everything in terms of Theo Walcott.

Times columnist David Aaronovitch said: "In two short weeks Barak Obama has gone from an unstoppable Theo Walcott to a clapped-out Michael Owen."

Meanwhile this morning's editorial in The Daily Telegraph described the impending political deal in Zimbabwe as the 'Theo Walcott of post colonial power-sharing agreements'.