the dailymash

Bridge issued a statement through his lawyers, ruling himself out of England selection, insisting his place in the squad had been made untenable by his former Chelsea team-mate's desire to ejaculate every five minutes.

He said: "If you'd asked me three years ago if I thought I would have to retire from international football and see my dream of playing in the World Cup torn from my grasp because of the pudgy little dick of some hair-gel wearing ponce then I would probably have said 'no'."

The statement continued: "Today I think back on all those times we stood next to each other in the showers at Stamford Bridge and I would inadvertently catch sight of John obsessively playing with himself like some grubby, demented pervert.

"Not once did it occur to me that such a scrawny, wrinkled inch and a half of flesh would one day prevent me from swapping jerseys with Lionel Messi."

He added: "As a professional footballer you always worry that your dreams could be ruined by a cruciate ligament injury or possibly even a nasty groin strain.

"But if a groin is going to have a negative impact on your career then it should, at least, be your own."

The full-back said he wished the squad the best of luck in South Africa except for Terry who he hopes is eaten alive by a dirty great crocodile, starting with his tiny cock.