Wembley to trial cliché-detecting technology

25-05-12

A NEW type of predictable pundit platitude software is to be tested at England’s forthcoming game against Belgium.

Sometimes he gets the ball, it's not a big deal

If successful, the technology could drastically reduce how often people at home scream at their television whilst frantically looking for the remote control.

Developer Tom Logan said: “We’ve produced an algorithm that recognises key consonant clusters such as ‘giving the manager some difficult choices’ and ‘schoolboy error’ as well as raised pitch whenever Rooney gets the ball in the assumption he’s going to score.

“It’s worked well in trials but every time we plug it into Clive Tyldesley it keeps exploding.”

The software works by cutting off shopworn phrases within the first three syllables by emitting a loud burst of white noise.

It will not be ready in time for the 2012-2013 domestic season, meaning at least another year of the phrase ‘a point to prove’ whenever Manchester United play against City and Logan says that some broadcasters might find the system too expensive to implement.

Logan said: “And yes, I completely mean Channel 5 when I say that. I can create the technology to rid the world Jonathan Pearce but there has to be the financial willingness to do so.”

Future applications for the software include a tannoy system for pubs, which would obliterate the opinions of the man who has sat himself next to you and insists on giving his reasons why Arsenal’s current system isn’t working.

Logan said: “The ultimate challenge will be if England draw Germany in Euro 2012. And it goes to penalties. And Southgate’s in the commentary box. It’ll be like the perfect storm of horseshit.”

 

 

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