West Ham not very good at buildings either
SOMETIME football club West Ham has added ‘winning stadium bids’ to its list of inabilities.
Tottenham has defeated the Ray Winstone factory’s bid to leave the Olympic stadium half empty by using the legal equivalent of an 89th minute shot ricocheting off Rob Green’s face and into the net.
Rather than hosting 20 barely-suppressed riots each year, the stadium will now be rented out to events that have a hope of making any money and will not necessarily have to involve racial abuse.
West Ham chairman and Minder character, David Sullivan, said: “We want to show that we’re more than just a hopeless football club so we’re updating our website to make sure it crashes every two minutes and we’re going to release our own computer game that can only be played on a ZX Spectrum.
“By adding ‘being rubbish at hanging on to a purpose built stadium handed to us on a plate’ the time has come for us to push ineptly forward.”
The club’s building-based awfulness stems from their current stadium’s actual name, The Boleyn Ground, with experts agreeing that having a fat, sweaty bearded bloke humping away on top of you for ages then having your head cut off is slightly better than watching West Ham play football.
In a bid to broaden their lack of appeal they have also adopted the most effeminate chant in football, the ludicrous self-belief they somehow won England the world cup and a film in which people are meant to believe Frodo can beat people up.
But Sullivan feels that construction awfulness is the club’s future, adding: “I’m having a look at whether we can tear down the Bobby Moore stand and have it rebuilt using Ryvita.”