This week’s hot star sightings…

Unemployed South Bank Show janitor MELVYN BRAGG sitting alone in a park in West London, feeding birds from a bag of sawdust and trying to lick the tip of his own nose…

Sky News arsehole KAY BURLEY standing in the timber-cutting queue
at B&Q in Stalybridge, growing increasingly irritated at having to
wait, then tapping her heels together and shouting ‘Take me back to Paradise City!’…

Esteemed tuba soloist BRIAN ENO trying out his latest invention, a pair of pneumatic stilts that he claims can make a jogging a thing of the past and free up 140 million extra man-hours a year to be devoted to colonising Mars instead – What a wizz kid!

Roly-poly bastard JAMES CORDEN dressed as a fox and marching down Streatham High Street, roaring ‘Do you really want to hurt me?’. He was pulling a toy beagle on wheels behind him…  

Former part-time human SIR FRED GOODWIN limbering up at the side of the
pitch as a group of teenagers played hockey with an apple and some
umbrellas. When they wouldn’t let him play, he threatened legal action…

Veteran Welsh bean bag NERYS HUGHES workshopping a character for a forthcoming play or film by rollerblading into Poundland and buying a bag of ping pong balls, a massive felt tip pen and a set of screwdrivers. For a pound!