Business

Dead office workers costing Britain millions, say Tories

THE soaring number of office workers selfishly dying at their desks is costing Britain £2.6bn a year, a new report has found.

Successful young person can f**k right off

A MAN decades younger than you who has already achieved more than you ever will can go and f**k himself, older generations have agreed.

Post Office blames postmasters for counterfeit stamps, bad weather and the decline of the Arctic Monkeys

THE Post Office has announced that counterfeit stamps, heavy rain and the Arctic Monkeys’ recent loungecore albums are all postmasters’ fault.

Thames Water also full of shit

THAMES Water is just as full as shit as the river it is named after and is responsible for pumping human excrement into, analysts have advised.

Rail replacement buses, and other pains in the arse it should be illegal to charge for

‘BECAUSE we value our customers, we are continuing to charge the full price for a service that is far worse than advertised,’ say businesses, and the f**kers get away with it.

'Dogs welcome' only refers to middle-class dogs, businesses clarify

BUSINESSES displaying ‘Dogs Welcome!’ signs have clarified that they only mean nice, well-behaved and well-groomed middle-class dogs whose owners spend money.