Duolingo, and other stressful app reminders that can f**k off

1st May 2024

SMARTPHONE apps were meant to make life easier but instead add to the general anxiety of it by harassing you constantly. Like these ones:

LinkedIn

You downloaded this in an attempt a better job, but all it does is inform you how rich, successful and generally more impressive than you your ex-colleagues are.

Trainline

Oh god, what’s been cancelled? You’re not even taking a train today and it’s making you nervous.

Headspace

Who would have thought motivational reminders about taking time to relax could leave you feeling so incredibly f**king tense?

Six Pack in 30 days

Having only opened this once since downloading it, it’s basically just calling you a fat bastard five times a day.

Duolingo

These notifications light up the same area of your brain as realising you hadn’t done your homework at 10pm on a Sunday night, triggering sweaty panic and fear of being told off.

HSBC

Constant reminders of how close you are to not being able to pay your rent this month, thanks for that.

Bumble

You very much doubt there are people waiting to match with you on Bumble. At least not ones you wouldn’t go out of your way to avoid getting stuck with at a party.

Tinder

On the other hand, you’re not desperate enough to go fishing in this cesspool just yet.

TikTok

What were you thinking installing this? Every time you open it you feel as scared and confused as your grandad when he tries to send an email.

Words with Friends

You know you haven’t played Words With Friends in while, nobody has. That fad passed years ago.

Audible

Thanks for the constant reminders that there are lots of audiobooks to check out. Funny how quiet it goes when it’s time to remind you when to end your free trial though, isn’t it?

Amazon

You bought a toilet seat once, because you needed a new toilet seat. You don’t need daily reminders about amazing offers on toilet seats. You won’t be buying another one for approximately 20 years, bar any excessively drunken vomiting incidents.

Threads

Bless your heart for trying Threads, but just no.

Facebook Messenger

It’s either a scam or a cousin you never speak too, either way you don’t want to know.

Disney+

You don’t need to be interrupted at work to be told there’s a new Bon Jovi documentary Disney +. Obviously you want to watch that, but there’s a time and a place.

X? What the hell is X? Oh, Twitter. No, ta. Even being reminded that soul-sucking hellhole exists fills you with dread. Take two minutes out of your day to actually delete this one, you won’t regret it.

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Seven terrible things about London, the city I hate, by mayoral candidate Susan Hall

1st May 2024

LONDON mayoral candidate Susan Hall has been criticised for a campaign based on ‘dog-whistle racism’, unhinged attacks on Sadiq Khan and appearing to hate the capital. Here she shares a last rant before losing.

The Tube

Only a sadist would make Londoners travel underground like mole-people. Why can’t we just move the Tube up to ground level, so we can see the sun? Because Khan hates ordinary Londoners and wants them to suffer. That’s why stations have escalators to suck people in and grind them up horrifically when 300 steps would do the job just as well.

The Ultra Low Emission Zone

ULEZ isn’t a worthwhile scheme to reduce air pollution that 90 per cent of cars and vans are exempt from because they’re newer and greener. Every penny generated goes direct into Khan’s bank account, and it has an even more sinister purpose: Big Brother-style surveillance of everything Londoners do. How long before Transport for London turn up on your doorstep forcing you to have a mind-control chip or pay a daily £12.50 charge?

Ruthless censorship of tweets

Under Khan’s reign of terror, Londoners can’t even retweet a post praising Enoch Powell without being vilified, as I was. Is Khan so obsessed with ‘woke’ we are no longer allowed to appreciate fine orators like Powell, Laurence Fox and Hitler? Note: this is in no way endorsing Hitler. Although I expect the autobahns were less congested than Khan’s M25.

The Islamist takeover

London, or as it is now known, is a theocratic dictatorship where you have pay in virgins to go on the London Eye. And who is the ayatollah of this medieval mini-state? Khan, of course. You never see him in the same room as Iranian supreme leader Ali Khamenei, do you? They’re clearly the same person and Khan just pops on a fake beard when he’s back in Tehran. You may be sceptical about this, but it’s just as sane as my other comments about him.

West End musicals

They’re so predictably commercial these days, aren’t they? All based on proven things like Frozen and Fawlty Towers. What’s wrong with traditional musicals like Annie Get Your Gun, with popular entertainers such as Howard Keel? They’re probably not pro-Palestinian enough. I expect Khan has commissioned one for his vile antisemitic buddies, Fiddler on the Roof Gets Murdered by Hamas.

Street crime

Street crime in London is so bad you can’t go outside unless you’re driving a tank. And Khan’s youth projects are giving young people subsidised lessons in mugging and drug dealing, although I haven’t technically verified that. I myself had my Freedom Pass stolen by pickpockets, probably a gang of Romanians. Strangely they handed it in, along with my business card and £40. People have said all the evidence points to me just accidentally dropping the items, but the facts in my head speak for themselves.

American candy shops

I would ban these evil shops selling slightly unusual sweets people want to buy. Britons have enough problems without rotten teeth, and before Khan invited them to our shores Londoners never ate sweets, preferring a healthy carrot instead. But that’s a thing of the past, like everything else that was good about London. So vote for me tomorrow and I promise to get this wretched hellhole wiped off the face of the Earth with a Trident missile.

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