Society

HELLO there! Yes, you seem to have skin of a shade that would suit our purposes. Could you do us an enormous favour and trigger a summer of riots?

INTRIGUED by all those making an easy living from OnlyFans? Here painfully naive girlfriend Nikki Hollis explains why she’s considering giving it a go.

UNIVERSITY leavers who claim to be smart all look incredibly dumb as they swish through cities in their ridiculous twat’s gowns.

THE majority of British children should be excused school as it is a waste of their and society’s time, say experts.

THE men who cut down the Sycamore Gap tree have been cornered by a copse of menacing oaks in the prison showers hissing ‘Where’s your chainsaw now?’

ONE week to go until the end of summer term and go f**k yourself, schools! We’re off on a term-time holiday!

ARE you furious about sickness benefits supposedly paying more than a job? Clearly it’s time to start claiming yourself since it’s so easy and lucrative. Here’s how.

A SENIOR judge has invited the public to look at the cretins and halfwits on the average jury and ask if they would like to be judged by them.

A TOTAL f**king wuss has confessed the odour of cannabis makes him feel terribly unsafe and as if police should arrest everyone within a 500ft radius who is not him.

THE objectively awful town of Skegness runs a hop-on, hop-off open-top bus service so people can tour its grim sights at their leisure.