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WAKING up with a hangover that feels like rhinoceri are vigorously mating within my cranium, I reflect on the events of the past couple of days. 

WAGWAN? Active J is bare misunderstood, bruv. Man has been hexplainin’ all week to wasteman careers muppets, man don’t need no job hadvice. Man is flexin’ swag to bein’ a gangsta rapper, innit?

A WOMAN has criticised her boyfriend so heavily to friends and family that she now has no choice but to dump him.

DID you know you can buy your own property? Me neither, until all my friends with rich, generous parents started doing it. Even some of the less well-off ones have done it, but only if they moved to Newport, wherever that is.

You hate the taste of mint humbugs, but you eat them because they look like baby tapirs. And those fuckers should know their place.

WAKING up with a hangover, I look back on the past two days. The furore began when CCTV emerged of me masturbating furiously in front of a statue of the Virgin Mary. I will admit that looked bad.

HEY y'all, it’s your girl Lizzo. Music icon. Boss bitch. Plus-size goddess. Frequent patron of Tesco on Clifford Bridge Road in Coventry. So let me ask you this – d'you need anything picking up?

BRITAIN is due a general election this year and you’re overdue a bout of bedroom activity. But given widespread reluctance to call either, which will happen first?

A PATRIOT outraged by the Team GB flag would still give it one if it gave him the eye, he had admitted.

It’s not just Easter eggs you should keep away from dogs. They should also be discouraged from consuming an entire Simnel cake.