How Harry and William will be kept out of pinching distance
THE funeral of the Duke of Edinburgh today is a sombre occasion which William and Harry cannot be allowed to ruin by pinching. Here’s how it will be avoided.
90% of Londoners’ conversations now about alternative milks
THE vast majority of conversations in London focus solely on comparing the merits of various milk substitutes, a new study has found.
Shopping in Asda: Five terrible things that may happen if you don’t get your child a private tutor
DO you think attending school Monday to Friday is enough education for your child? This is sleepwalking into disaster. Here are five dire consequences of not getting them extra tutoring.
Five shit BBC shows you weren’t going to watch on Saturday afternoon anyway
Annoyed that a royal funeral has steamrollered the BBC’s Saturday afternoon schedule? These are the shit programmes you were never going to tune in for anyway.
Woman can’t be arsed with eating outside if it’s only with her boyfriend
A WOMAN cannot be bothered to sit in the cold outside a restaurant now that restrictions have lifted if the only person eating with her is her boyfriend.
Nunchucks, and other things your kids aren’t getting in a million years
RAISING children can be a fun, rewarding experience, except when they're pestering you to buy them wildly unsuitable stuff. Here are five requests that get a hard 'no'.
Father-in-law has brought his drill
YOUR father-in-law has arrived at your house and for some reason has brought his drill.
Getting bird shit on you, and other bollocks lucky omens
WHILE everybody would like to think they have luck on their side, there are some absolutely ludicrous superstitions out there that need to be questioned. Here are a few of them.
Six inappropriate ways Britons will be remembering Prince Philip
SOME members of the public take any solemn event as an opportunity to throw good taste out of the window. If you’re doing any of these things to remember Prince Philip, reconsider.
Today’s Tory scandals there’ll be f**k all repercussions from
CAN’T keep up with the huge number of government scandals? Don’t worry, here are today’s acts of parliamentary misconduct that the Tories won’t be accountable for.
How to be a twat about TV shows on social media
WITH major TV shows returning to our screens, be sure to ruin them for everyone else using social media. Here are some highly annoying habits.
Prince Andrew and four other bellends who might as well stand for London mayor
WITH the likes of Piers Corbyn, Laurence Fox and Shaun Bailey wanting to be mayor, are there other candidates of a similarly low calibre who could run our capital’s affairs?
Are you a toddler? Take our quiz
ALWAYS whinging? Unable to understand basic concepts like ‘bedtime’ and ‘rain’? You might be a toddler. Take our quiz to find out.
Dads deciding what custom-made hearse they’ll have for their funerals
FATHERS across the country have seen the custom-made Land Rover hearse for Prince Philip’s funeral and begun planning their own.
Why I should be the centre of attention at a funeral, by Prince Andrew
ONLY a self-centred idiot would make a funeral all about them. Here Prince Andrew explains why he should be the centre of attention as the nation mourns.
Kicking a football back, and five other challenges to your masculinity
BEING a bloke comes with a hideous array of unreasonable expectations. Consider yourself a failure as a man if you fall foul of any of the following:
Horrified woman forgets to tell social media she’s had her Covid jab
A WOMAN who has just joined 25 million Britons in having her Covid vaccine is mortified she forgot to share her special news on social media.
Do spelling and grammar matter? A debate by two twats
SOME UK universities have relaxed their standards on spelling and grammar. Here pompous old git Norman Steele debates the issue with young, trendy wanker Josh Hudson.
My busy day, by a scumbag internet troll
HAVE you ever wondered what sort of twat has the time and inclination to abuse strangers online all day? Here leading troll Martin Bishop explains his craft.
How to blame a teacher for your child being a horrible little shit
HAVE you inadvertently brought your child up to be a total nightmare? Here’s how to absolve yourself from blame by saying it’s all the fault of their teacher.
