the dailymash

Your astrological week ahead for April 20th, with Psychic Bob

Never lift an empty shell to your ear. If you do, you hear the sounds of a divorced man taking his children to McDonalds.

Lourdes, and other hot new locations for your stag party

PRAGUE and Amsterdam no fun anymore? Looking for new locations to stagger around hammered before pissing against a historical monument?

We ask you: could you be an unbiased juror in Donald Trump's trial, or do you think he's a knobhead?

DONALD Trump is on trial for financial malfeasance in New York. Could you serve as a juror, or have you unaccountably developed opinions about him?

Taylor Swift's new album about Darren Wetherby, aged 46, of Poynton

Humanity to stick with oil

HUMANS are to continue to base their civilisation on a highly toxic substance destroying the climate that is largely controlled by lunatics.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... that's more than enough Liz f**king Truss, thanks

WAKING up on a bed of empty rum bottles, my head thudding as if a small, angry, right-wing man were trapped inside it, I sip a gallon of water to restore my faculties. 

'Brilliant, it's a two-hour 31-song double break-up album,' say men with heads in hands

MEN around the world have been plunged into despair after discovering the length and contents of Taylor Swift’s latest album.

Power to hand out sick notes to be given to specially appointed bastards

THE government is to take the issuing of sick notes from GPs and hand it to a panel of specially selected sadistic bastards.