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'The females don their cock deely-boppers for the ritual to commence': Sir David Attenborough narrates a hen party

NATURALIST, naturist and national treasure Sir David Attenborough has turned his analytical eye to the brutal and feral rituals of the hen party.

Your astrological week ahead for March 30th, with Psychic Bob

It’s not just Easter eggs you should keep away from dogs. They should also be discouraged from consuming an entire Simnel cake.

Atheists unable to explain how evolution could make egg-laying bunny

ATHEISTS who reject religious doctrine have admitted nothing in their precious science can provide an explanation for the existence of the Easter Bunny.

We ask you: when should Rishi Sunak get his arse kicked at a general election?

THE prime minister has been accused of chickening out of calling a general election by Labour. When should he go to the country and lose?

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the Tories' fish-and-chip bullshit

WAKING in John O’ Groats, after having aided my repose with several bottles of malt whisky, I reflect on the events that led me to isolation in the far North.

The second-last temptation of Christ was banoffee pie

JESUS has confirmed that his last temptation was to escape sacrifice, live as an ordinary man and raise a family, but the temptation previous to that was banoffee pie.

Children at state schools fling dung for a living. My nice children deserve better

IF your child attends a comprehensive school, you have given up on them. You have decided hosing shit off roads for a job is all they can aspire to. And I respect that.