Animals Headlines

Rufus the hawk enters Wimbledon as wild card

RUFUS the hawk has entered the Wimbledon men's semi-finals despite never having played competitive tennis.

Dog Doesn't Save Owner From Mountain Lion

A HIKER has been killed by a mountain lion after his golden retriever chose to run away instead of defending him.

Suicidal Bear Unscathed After Climbing Into Monkey Enclosure

HELMUT, a severely depressed brown bear, has repeatedly failed to find other species at his zoo that would be capable of eating him.

No Such Thing As Arsehole Bees, Say Experts

THERE is no bee equivalent of a lazy, self-centered arsehole who offloads all their admin onto you, according to new research.

Chimpanzee Displays Human Trait Of Not Liking Prison

A CHIMPANZEE in a Swedish zoo has displayed the distinctly human characteristic of not enjoying being locked up against his will.

 

Thanks For All Your Fucking Help, Says River Mouse

A MOUSE which survived a terrifying ordeal in a freezing river has thanked all the humans who stood on the bank taking pictures with their mobile phones.

Asian monkey coup

MONKEYS controlled much of eastern Asia last night after launching a series of swift and ruthless coups d'état.

BBC Captures Rare Footage Of Fiona Bruce Having A Shit

IT is as thick as your arm and smells disgusting - and it has just been caught on camera for what is thought to be the first time.

Cats fine, say cats

CATS last night thanked the government for its interest in their welfare but insisted they were fine.

Terrifying Spider To Redo Kitchen And Bathroom

A HUGE and terrifying spider which forced an Essex family from their home is already planning a major programme of refurbishment.

Octopus Wardrobes Full Of Useless Shoes

OCTOPUSES' wardrobes are full of hundreds of pairs of useless shoes, new research reveals.

That Shrew Is So Fucking Hammered, Say Zoologists

YOU should have totally seen this shrew, it was out of its face, a team of zoologists claimed last night.