Animals Headlines

Asian monkey coup

MONKEYS controlled much of eastern Asia last night after launching a series of swift and ruthless coups d'état.

BBC Captures Rare Footage Of Fiona Bruce Having A Shit

IT is as thick as your arm and smells disgusting - and it has just been caught on camera for what is thought to be the first time.

Cats fine, say cats

CATS last night thanked the government for its interest in their welfare but insisted they were fine.

Terrifying Spider To Redo Kitchen And Bathroom

A HUGE and terrifying spider which forced an Essex family from their home is already planning a major programme of refurbishment.

Octopus Wardrobes Full Of Useless Shoes

OCTOPUSES' wardrobes are full of hundreds of pairs of useless shoes, new research reveals.

That Shrew Is So Fucking Hammered, Say Zoologists

YOU should have totally seen this shrew, it was out of its face, a team of zoologists claimed last night.

Famous People To Spend All Day Humping Goats

BRITAIN'S famous people are to spend much of their time engaged in base sexual practices after being given the go-ahead by a High Court judge.

Mystery Bug Deported

A MYSTERY insect discovered at the Natural History Museum in London has been deported, the Home Office confirmed last night.