Animals Headlines

Dogs 'surprisingly self-obsessed'

DOGS have pathetically self-indulgent emotions just like humans, it has emerged.

Dog enters negotiations to give stick back 

A DOG has confirmed he is ready to begin negotiations for letting go of a stick.

Livingstone has pet newt called ‘Adolf’

KEN Livingstone named one of his pet newts ‘Adolf’, it has emerged.

Woodpecker and weasel already talking about having kids

A WOODPECKER and a weasel have moved in together and are ‘excited about starting a family’.

Neighbourhood dogs enjoy ‘top-notch’ two-hour barking session

A GROUP of neighbourhood dogs said last night’s two-hour barking session was one of the best this year.

Rufus the hawk enters Wimbledon as wild card

RUFUS the hawk has entered the Wimbledon men's semi-finals despite never having played competitive tennis.

Dog Doesn't Save Owner From Mountain Lion

A HIKER has been killed by a mountain lion after his golden retriever chose to run away instead of defending him.

Suicidal Bear Unscathed After Climbing Into Monkey Enclosure

HELMUT, a severely depressed brown bear, has repeatedly failed to find other species at his zoo that would be capable of eating him.

No Such Thing As Arsehole Bees, Say Experts

THERE is no bee equivalent of a lazy, self-centered arsehole who offloads all their admin onto you, according to new research.

Chimpanzee Displays Human Trait Of Not Liking Prison

A CHIMPANZEE in a Swedish zoo has displayed the distinctly human characteristic of not enjoying being locked up against his will.


Thanks For All Your Fucking Help, Says River Mouse

A MOUSE which survived a terrifying ordeal in a freezing river has thanked all the humans who stood on the bank taking pictures with their mobile phones.

Asian monkey coup

MONKEYS controlled much of eastern Asia last night after launching a series of swift and ruthless coups d'état.