BRITAIN'S famous people are to spend much of their time engaged in base sexual practices after being given the go-ahead by a High Court judge.
A MYSTERY insect discovered at the Natural History Museum in London has been deported, the Home Office confirmed last night.
A MONKEY has failed in its bid to escape from a laboratory using nothing but the power of thought.
Ian, a four year-old capuchin, attempted the telekinetic feat after using his thoughts to operate a robotic arm and feed himself a banana.
He said: "In case you were wondering - yes, having all those pointy electrodes rammed into your brain does hurt like a bastard.
"If it didn't, then why the fuck am I the one wearing the electric helmet?"
A PAIR of giant Pandas who arrived in Scotland this week have claimed they were duped after being promised a fortnight in Majorca.
A DAFFODIL who accused a Bumblebee of groping it in a public park was asking for it, the bee claimed last night.
ENORMOUS, terrifying tropical insects that are the stuff of nightmares may at last be on the brink of extinction, it was claimed last night.
A HUGE squid found off the coast of Antarctica is basically the same as a normal squid, only much, much bigger, a team of disappointed zoologists said last night.
THE scientist who invented a mouse that could eat as much as it liked without getting fat has been found dead in his laboratory with his body covered in tiny teeth marks.
A BEAUTIFUL camel who also claims to be a part-time model is really just a dirty skank who is mad for cock, one of her ex-boyfriends revealed last night.
ANT colonies are not harmoniously run communes but large sprawling ranches in Texas rife with infighting and extra-marital affairs, new research reveals.
THE new series of Gladiators has been given the green light after Britain's captive monkey population gave it a non-opposable thumbs-up.
THE British Army is to phase out the practice of firing goats into walls, the Ministry of Defence announced last night.