Animals Headlines

Huge, Disgusting Insects On Brink Of Extinction

ENORMOUS, terrifying tropical insects that are the stuff of nightmares may at last be on the brink of extinction, it was claimed last night.

Giant squid same as normal squid only bigger, say zoologists

A HUGE squid found off the coast of Antarctica is basically the same as a normal squid, only much, much bigger, a team of disappointed zoologists said last night.

Scientist Devoured By Eat-As-Much-As-You-Like Mouse

THE scientist who invented a mouse that could eat as much as it liked without getting fat has been found dead in his laboratory with his body covered in tiny teeth marks. 

Hands Up Who Hasn't Shagged This Camel

A BEAUTIFUL camel who also claims to be a part-time model is really just a dirty skank who is mad for cock, one of her ex-boyfriends revealed last night. 

Ant Colonies Just Like 'Dallas', Say Experts

ANT colonies are not harmoniously run communes but large sprawling ranches in Texas rife with infighting and extra-marital affairs, new research reveals.

Gladiators A Big Hit With Monkey Test Audience

THE new series of Gladiators has been given the green light after Britain's captive monkey population gave it a non-opposable thumbs-up.

Army To Stop Firing Goats Into Walls

THE British Army is to phase out the practice of firing goats into walls, the Ministry of Defence announced last night. 

'What The F*ck Is Wrong With That Gerbil?' Ask Zoologists

A NEW species of mammal, described as a 'weird-looking gerbily thing with a massive conk', has been discovered in the mountains of Tanzania.

'Look at the size of this f**king rat' say zoologists

A NEW species of giant rat has been discovered in a remote region of New Guinea by a team of totally freaked-out zoologists.

Dog has shit

WORKERS at a Tesco superstore watched yesterday as a dog had a huge shit in the middle of their car park.

Orangutans Amused By Mr Bean

ORANGUTANS have a sense of humour but it is very poor, scientists have discovered. 

Don't Shower With Your Turkey, Warn Experts

SHOWERING with your turkey could ruin Christmas, food safety experts warned last night.