Animals Headlines

That Shrew Is So Fucking Hammered, Say Zoologists

YOU should have totally seen this shrew, it was out of its face, a team of zoologists claimed last night.

Famous People To Spend All Day Humping Goats

BRITAIN'S famous people are to spend much of their time engaged in base sexual practices after being given the go-ahead by a High Court judge.

Mystery Bug Deported

A MYSTERY insect discovered at the Natural History Museum in London has been deported, the Home Office confirmed last night. 

Power Of Thought Fails To Free Monkey From Terrifying Laboratory

A MONKEY has failed in its bid to escape from a laboratory using nothing but the power of thought.

Ian, a four year-old capuchin, attempted the telekinetic feat after using his thoughts to operate a robotic arm and feed himself a banana.

He said: "In case you were wondering - yes, having all those pointy electrodes rammed into your brain does hurt like a bastard.

"If it didn't, then why the fuck am I the one wearing the electric helmet?"

Hang On, This Isn’t Majorca, Say Angry Pandas

A PAIR of giant Pandas who arrived in Scotland this week have claimed they were duped after being promised a fortnight in Majorca.

Flower Was Asking For It, Says Bee

A DAFFODIL who accused a Bumblebee of groping it in a public park was asking for it, the bee claimed last night. 

Huge, Disgusting Insects On Brink Of Extinction

ENORMOUS, terrifying tropical insects that are the stuff of nightmares may at last be on the brink of extinction, it was claimed last night.

Giant squid same as normal squid only bigger, say zoologists

A HUGE squid found off the coast of Antarctica is basically the same as a normal squid, only much, much bigger, a team of disappointed zoologists said last night.

Scientist Devoured By Eat-As-Much-As-You-Like Mouse

THE scientist who invented a mouse that could eat as much as it liked without getting fat has been found dead in his laboratory with his body covered in tiny teeth marks. 

Hands Up Who Hasn't Shagged This Camel

A BEAUTIFUL camel who also claims to be a part-time model is really just a dirty skank who is mad for cock, one of her ex-boyfriends revealed last night. 

Ant Colonies Just Like 'Dallas', Say Experts

ANT colonies are not harmoniously run communes but large sprawling ranches in Texas rife with infighting and extra-marital affairs, new research reveals.

Gladiators A Big Hit With Monkey Test Audience

THE new series of Gladiators has been given the green light after Britain's captive monkey population gave it a non-opposable thumbs-up.