Animals Headlines

British Squirrels 'Fattest In Europe'

BRITAIN now has the fattest squirrels in the European Union, according to new figures from the department of health.

Blue Peter Viewers Wanted To Name Cat 'Pisswizard'

THE BBC has apologised to Blue Peter viewers after fixing the results of its latest 24-hour cat-naming phone-in poll.

Record Number Of Dogs Passing GCSEs

MORE than 75% of dogs who sat this year's GCSE exams have achieved at least three passing grades, the government has announced.

Cows Blame Sheep For Foot And Mouth Lab Leak

THE cows have blamed the sheep for the recent foot and mouth outbreak and accused their animal foes of turning the conflict in the countryside into a dirty war. 

'We're Going To Sue The Crap Out Of You' Say Miming Orangutans

A NEW study of Orangutans has found they can communicate using complex charades with the traditional "stuck in a glass box" mime clearly signalling "let me out of here you bastards".

Boffins Produce World's First Cheese-Eating Mouse

SCIENTISTS have combined a mouse with a giant ear on its back and a mouse with spider’s legs to produce a small, cute creature with an inordinate fondness for cheese. 

Miracle Cat Knows When Old People Are About To Be Racist

MOLLY, a tabby cat at a Bournemouth nursing home, has displayed an uncanny ability for identifying elderly racists.

UK Flood Defences 'Sabotaged By Ducks'

BRITAIN'S flood defences have been undermined by a decade long conspiracy involving some of the country's most influential ducks, the Daily Mash has learned.

Blue Peter Editor Will Make Pets Fight

BLUE Peter will make its pets fight on screen if viewers don't pay its £50,000 fine for faking a competition result, the show's editor said last night.

'Springwatch' Badger Is Benefits Cheat

SPRINGWATCH badger Gary Degan is a dole cheat who is claiming thousands of pounds in benefits while appearing on the hit television show. 

Prince Philip Eats Two Cats And A Badger

PRINCE Philip has answered critics of his participation in a fox hunt by eating two cats and a badger.

She's No Virgin, Say Friends Of 'Miracle' Shark

MIRACLE shark Lorraine Chelsy is a 'skanky liar' who claimed she had a virgin birth to stop her mum going mad at her for getting pregnant, say her friends.