GENIUS chimps who beat students in an intelligence test still spend most of their day throwing shit at each other, scientists confirmed last night.
BRITAIN'S oldest cat hates Asians and thinks the Siamese are all 'bi-sexual scroungers', it emerged last night.
A LABORATORY bred mouse which is immune to cancer will not stop smoking and has become ‘a nightmare to live with’, researchers say.
WITH Britain's turkey population teetering on the brink of a flu-ridden crisis, the public is being urged to eat a badger this Christmas.
BRITAIN now has the fattest squirrels in the European Union, according to new figures from the department of health.
THE BBC has apologised to Blue Peter viewers after fixing the results of its latest 24-hour cat-naming phone-in poll.
MORE than 75% of dogs who sat this year's GCSE exams have achieved at least three passing grades, the government has announced.
THE cows have blamed the sheep for the recent foot and mouth outbreak and accused their animal foes of turning the conflict in the countryside into a dirty war.
A NEW study of Orangutans has found they can communicate using complex charades with the traditional "stuck in a glass box" mime clearly signalling "let me out of here you bastards".
SCIENTISTS have combined a mouse with a giant ear on its back and a mouse with spider’s legs to produce a small, cute creature with an inordinate fondness for cheese.
MOLLY, a tabby cat at a Bournemouth nursing home, has displayed an uncanny ability for identifying elderly racists.
BRITAIN'S flood defences have been undermined by a decade long conspiracy involving some of the country's most influential ducks, the Daily Mash has learned.