Animals Headlines

'Genius' Chimps Spend All Day Throwing Shit

GENIUS chimps who beat students in an intelligence test still spend most of their day throwing shit at each other, scientists confirmed last night. 

Britain's Oldest Cat 'Hates Asians'

BRITAIN'S oldest cat hates Asians and thinks the Siamese are all 'bi-sexual scroungers', it emerged last night.

Cancer-Proof Mouse Won't Stop Smoking

A LABORATORY bred mouse which is immune to cancer will not stop smoking and has become ‘a nightmare to live with’, researchers say.

Eat A Badger This Christmas, Urges Government

WITH Britain's turkey population teetering on the brink of a flu-ridden crisis, the public is being urged to eat a badger this Christmas.

British Squirrels 'Fattest In Europe'

BRITAIN now has the fattest squirrels in the European Union, according to new figures from the department of health.

Blue Peter Viewers Wanted To Name Cat 'Pisswizard'

THE BBC has apologised to Blue Peter viewers after fixing the results of its latest 24-hour cat-naming phone-in poll.

Record Number Of Dogs Passing GCSEs

MORE than 75% of dogs who sat this year's GCSE exams have achieved at least three passing grades, the government has announced.

Cows Blame Sheep For Foot And Mouth Lab Leak

THE cows have blamed the sheep for the recent foot and mouth outbreak and accused their animal foes of turning the conflict in the countryside into a dirty war.