Arctic To Be Just Lovely

THE Arctic Circle is on course to be really quite lovely by 2019, new research has confirmed.

Tiresome Feminist Hippies Target Increasingly Pointless Oaf

AN oaf who makes no difference to anything was last night targeted by some hippies with no boyfriends.

Dinner Ladies To Be Installed In All UK Homes

FOUL-tempered old women with massively thick limbs are to be installed in British homes in a government move to limit food wastage.

Earth's Future In Hands Of Wilf Lunn

THE Earth can be saved from the damaging effects of climate change with a series of contraptions built by Wilf Lunn, it has been claimed.

GM Food Could Devour Crows, Claims Benn

A NEW strain of genetically modified wheat can strangle crows and then harvest itself into a bowl of Cheerios, the environment secretary Hilary Benn has claimed.

Twenty-Foot Mice Within Ten Years, Say Experts

GLOBAL warming has caused an acceleration in evolution that should see the world overrun by 20ft mice within 10 years, scientists said last night.

Anger At 'Tweethop' Plans For Birdsong Radio Station

FANS of a radio station broadcasting birdsong have attacked plans to play urban-themed 'Tweethop' music in which some of Britain favourite species rap about killing the police.

Survivors To Enjoy Glorious Summer, Says Met Office

BRITAIN'S small band of pork flu survivors can look forward to a hot, dry summer, the Met Office confirmed last night.