A six-step guide to kissing your boss’s arse

MAYBE you’re already the office’s snivelling little arse-licker, but you could always do better. If you’re angling for a promotion or a pay rise, or just a desperately needy person, here’s how to brown-nose like a champion:

Be there for them when nobody else is
Show up when nobody else would. This could be during bathroom breaks, when they’re showering, sleeping or at their children’s school football match.

Have your picture taken with them
Stand behind them while they sit at their desk. This makes them look important and you look like an obsequious turd who’s desperate for the slightest validation. They like that.

Tell them their eyes sparkle
Sure, you like your boss’s eyes, but more specifically, you like the way they dance with delight. Also, tell them they have fantastic thighs.

Make a list of people they are better than
Gareth Southgate is a great manager, but compared to your boss he’s as useless as Iain Duncan Smith or Gordon Brown. And any fucking idiot could have started Amazon.

Bring in homemade gifts 
It could be a mug, some lollipop sticks you stuck together or a life-size bust of your boss sculpted from finest Italian marble.

Dress up as them
Try dressing the same as your boss on a daily basis. Installing cameras around their bedroom while they’re out will be helpful.