Agony Aunt

Should I get a swastika tattooed on my face?

I'm supposed to be the biggest badass in One Direction.

The most powerful wedgie ever performed

Face the situation head on rather than spend the rest of the school year hiding in the PE cupboard at playtime.

Should I scissor-kick my brother-in-law in the face?

Eventually the red mist will clear and you’ll be able to express your anger through the medium of Play-Doh.

Katie is a competent horsewoman with huge breasts

Granny was hoping it would turn out like The Incredible Journey but it ended up being more like Deliverance.

I am torn between these two lovely cars

Trying using nursery rhymes to make big decisions.

By the time he hits puberty he'll be armpit-farting the theme tune to Eastenders

Boys are really good at some stuff that girls are rubbish at, like precision weeing.

How can I sound convincingly sorry?

Try to imagine Harry Styles being killed by firing squad.

Some aspects of pregnancy are at odds with my glamorous image

How can I inspire millions of wet dreams when I can't comfortably sit down?

My marriage split makes me want to listen to Happy

Having broken up with my wife, I'm surprised to find I don't want to listen to Coldplay.

Facebook is my Frankenstein's monster

My granny says that in the olden days people used to take photos of other people.

Look at the stuff I sent to ministers, but lay off my One Direction fan mail

There is nothing more incriminating than a handwritten note.

Mental relaxation has affected my bottom

I can't even get up from a chair without letting one rip.