Agony Aunt

Every time I give a lady one of my 'special cuddles', she ends up with a baby

If you want to know anything like that just go and ask Phillip Holliday, the big weirdo.

My lesbian porn stash has been discovered, am I going to Hell?

Perhaps a more important question is why are all lady PE teachers lesbians?

My main talent is having a big gob

Liars will get mauled by a large predator, along with all their sheep.

People have been calling me 'Scrooge' because I got spotted in Poundland

The three wise men would probably have bought their gifts in Poundland too.

I've been stuck on a stupid vegan diet

Vegans are not allowed Haribo Star Mix.

I'm worried about poor old Nigella

She's obviously really talented because she even got my daddy interested in cooking.

People just want to worship their false consumer Gods

For a dramatic edge, our careers officer likes to set 'the reveal' to climactic pop music.

It's my husband's birthday but he's a miserable git

It's always a challenge to buy a dad-present which doesn't involve whisky, or Jeremy Clarkson.

I've been accused of doing bad things

If someone has done something naughty, I always recommend writing letters to both Santa and Jesus.

My two-faced 'friend' has been spying on me

You should hide in the wardrobe and listen in.

My old pal Roy Keane isn't talking to me

You might find the entire class is suddenly aware of your dreadful bum problems.