Agony Aunt

I have no idea how to be a dad unless it involves smoking heavily

Such a deep level of idiocy can't simply be learned, it must be innate.

My husband was a complete bastard to Kathleen Turner

If you don't believe me, watch The War of the Roses.

There aren't enough hotties in my bake off

The only one worth a second look made an awful rhubarb and custard mess.

I refuse to look at Cameron's bulbous gloating face

If I were to attack him with a claymore, Rob Roy-style, would it damage my chances in the 2014 Referendum?

I'm astonished that I'm getting called a racist

I'm too old to bother with all this new-fangled PC nonsense you young'uns go in for which involves not being a xenophobic bastard.

Sinitta just can't take a hint

You need to be very careful with this one.

I was planning on hiring a plain looking serious business person

The only thing you can do is trust your instinct.

Most days I sit around in grubby boxers watching Heir Hunters

You'll spend hours poking it with a stick.

Her entire fruitloop family is on my case

As Dostoevsky wrote, 'don't do the crime if you can't do the time'.