Agony Aunt

I've been accused of doing bad things

If someone has done something naughty, I always recommend writing letters to both Santa and Jesus.

My two-faced 'friend' has been spying on me

You should hide in the wardrobe and listen in.

My old pal Roy Keane isn't talking to me

You might find the entire class is suddenly aware of your dreadful bum problems.

I've recently had some unplanned leave and I'm dreading going back

Everyone at school is desperate for the teachers' strike to happen so that we get free holidays too.

I've been snubbed by the future king

You'll still have plenty of fun writing rude words on the kitchen cupboards with a Sharpie.

I was shocked to discover I am 'thinspiration'

I hadn't heard of any of them except Cherie Blair and she's not at all pretty.

I could burst into a vomit-inducing Disney song at any moment

You start off with a few Ribenas and next thing you know, you're offering Brown Owl a head massage.

No matter what I do, everybody hates me

Free school dinners are like free dog turds.