Agony Aunt

My boyfriend always says he's not thinking about anything

If you eat two Big Mac meals at once, your farts smell of petrol.

I like telly, can I run the BBC?

Why should you be discriminated against, just because you're useless?

I waited until my wife left, then whipped out a pot of Onken

Let everyone in the world know your wife's got an itchy moo-moo.

Of course, the fact that his secretary is also called Marie is pure coincidence

In my Brownie troupe there are 27 people called Olivia.

You're like that mentalist Bumgardener

He should have started with jumping off my granny's garage.

Is Strictly talk grounds for divorce?

Teachers don't always discuss long multiplication or the water cycle, sometimes, they like to talk about how much they'd love to sex Gary Barlow.

Who's lying - the bobby or the bike-riding bastard?

You can never tell if a grown-up is fibbing.

Am I going to Hell for watering my plants in the nod?

My granny's dog is naked all the time, you can see his balls and everything.

I've been secretly wearing my wife's lovely, silky underwear

Shall I just put the thong back in her drawer and hope for the best?

Should I get to know my neighbours by burgling them?

Perhaps you should consider something more jolly like a ouija board session.

Stop worrying and watch Deliverance instead

We can go into the garden and snigger at her frightening undergarments, and maybe have a peek at her dog Bilko's enormous testicles.

How can I grow a willy?

If one comes near me I'll be sure to squish it with my shoe.