Agony Aunt

I was wondering if I would be suitable for the Paralympics, seeing as I am colourblind?

Matthew's injury meant his mum withdrew her sponsorship offer of a Chupa Chup.

My f*cking boss reckons I need to work harder

Toss his lunchbox to the ground so his Um-Bongo bursts and Wotsits go scudding across the concrete.

What hope for ugly people?

Back in the eighties Mimi Rogers was visited by an angel who told her that she would marry the messiah and also go on to win an Oscar for her role in Full Body Massage.

I'm excellent at cleaning the bath - why aren't I in Team GB?

It's not much consolation when you're scrubbing excrement from the inside of a ripped potato sack.

Should I colour in my bald patch with a felt tip?

Wayne Rooney was banned for two matches is because he was caught illegally harvesting the hair of corpses.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

I did pick up some excellent vocabulary including 'play him wide, you Scouse bastard'.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Do you think it would be fair for me to return the surprise by shouting that I despise every last one of them?

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

How can I fake my own death and still be considered for promotion?

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Mrs Dodkins wasn't delighted when someone wrote 'Shirley Dodkins is a boss-eyed spunk badger' on the whiteboard in huge red letters.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

That sounds like the time Heather Pickles ate too many Sherbet Dib Dabs at playtime and shat in the art cupboard.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

"My wife looks after me to a good standard, and always cooks my tea and irons my shirts. But the miserable old bitch won't give me a blow job because she thinks it's dirty."

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

How can I make the mean people stop and maybe erase a few files too?
Jeremy Hunt,
Whitehall