Matthew's injury meant his mum withdrew her sponsorship offer of a Chupa Chup.
Toss his lunchbox to the ground so his Um-Bongo bursts and Wotsits go scudding across the concrete.
Back in the eighties Mimi Rogers was visited by an angel who told her that she would marry the messiah and also go on to win an Oscar for her role in Full Body Massage.
It's not much consolation when you're scrubbing excrement from the inside of a ripped potato sack.
Wayne Rooney was banned for two matches is because he was caught illegally harvesting the hair of corpses.
I did pick up some excellent vocabulary including 'play him wide, you Scouse bastard'.
Do you think it would be fair for me to return the surprise by shouting that I despise every last one of them?
How can I fake my own death and still be considered for promotion?
Mrs Dodkins wasn't delighted when someone wrote 'Shirley Dodkins is a boss-eyed spunk badger' on the whiteboard in huge red letters.
That sounds like the time Heather Pickles ate too many Sherbet Dib Dabs at playtime and shat in the art cupboard.
"My wife looks after me to a good standard, and always cooks my tea and irons my shirts. But the miserable old bitch won't give me a blow job because she thinks it's dirty."
How can I make the mean people stop and maybe erase a few files too?