I've been amassing a personal collection of dildos for many happy years. As my 40th birthday is approaching, I thought I might showcase my efforts in a more public arena...
'How, exactly, does this gravity stuff explain how Oliver French threw his bouncy ball up in the playground on Thursday and it never EVER came back down again?'
'He always shows up early to pick me up from the school disco and tries to dance along to Dizzee Rascal in his slippers'.
Dave from IT has given me Gonorrhoea. Should I impale both his testicles with a high heel, or just one?
"The other day, my fiancee sent me an email where she confused 'your' and 'you're' and then used an apostrophe for 'its' in the possessive sense. When I confronted her she seemed to think it was no big deal."
My current partner thinks it's acceptable to go to the supermarket on a Sunday morning wearing a fur coat, leopardskin bra, split-crotch panties and a pink lycra boob tube. I wouldn't mind so much but pink does nothing for him.
"Considering I have endeavoured to make his life a misery for the last
twenty years, I find it hard to believe this heady behaviour is aimed at
me. How can I change that annoyingly joyful grin back to a haunted
Times are hard in our household and our pensions barely keep us in Readers Digests and slankets.
"Is there any way I can erase her memory without causing terrible brain damage?"
"Do you think it's too forthright to make a grab for his cock and balls in the staff canteen?"
I introduced the idea of wife swapping at our last neighbourhood watch meeting, but it didn't go down too well.
For all you know, he's been collecting dried dog turds, or playing with his pee-pee.